Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
