how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
