HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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