i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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