3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
