my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize