Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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