I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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