just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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