I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
