the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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