i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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