I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
