i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm like, not good at living.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize