Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
