i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
