it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize