Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
