the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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