jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
