Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
