my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
