Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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