when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
