My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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