All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Randomize
