If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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