So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
