$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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