Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
