when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
