Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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