Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
