I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize