Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
