Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize