My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
