i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
