filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
