im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
