i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
