Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
