there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
