I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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