I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
