I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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