so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
