i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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