This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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