I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
