He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
