I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
