I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
