My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
