So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
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