I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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