this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
