True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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