Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
