3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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