i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
